Take Your Campaign & Shove It

So this girl for "[Your State Here] Campaign for the Environment" knocks on the door, and then rings the bell when I don't answer soon enough, and asks if I have a minute to talk about the natural gas drilling that's going on in our area. I tell her no, because the dog is barking like crazy, it's 8:45pm and my baby's asleep in the other room. She's adamant enough that she volunteers to let the dog sniff her and to be quick. I reluctantly give in.

She gives me her 2 minute spiel about what's going on, yada yada and what they're trying to do. I think she's cutting to the chase, but the dog is starting to bark again and I'm getting frustrated. So I ask her what she's looking for. The answer? Donations and letters to the City Council. I tell her that, honestly, this is actually something I HAVE read something about, and that if she needs my signature on a petition that I'm happy to do so, but that's about the extent of what I'm willing to do because I'm just not that passionate about it. I could tell she was frustrated at my bluntness; she handed me a flyer to read, said that then maybe I'd get motivated to act and went to knock on the door of our 70yo neighbor.

I understand that this is an issue I should probably be more passionate about, but I'm just not. I'm not apologetic about it either. The last thing I need right now is to join some committee and pledge $20 so that I can get one more email that I'm not going to read.

So this is my call to the City Council from the podium that I don't have. You guys need to listen to these people who are clearly passionate about something that you're not. You probably care about this issue as much as I do and the only difference is that you're probably taking money from these gas companies too. So get your act together and do the right thing so that I don't have passionate, hemp-wearing college students knocking on my door after dark. We're all gonna die anyway.

That's right. I said it.

Your Fantasy First Round

I've been dying for Yahoo! to open their leagues since finally winning the championship in my most competitive league last year. I'm more than a bit of nerd when it comes to fantasy football. Last year I ranked 200 players, including some defenders. It took the better part of a month, but paid nice dividends. If you want some pedigree, here are my finishes in the last 4 seasons:

2007-1st
2007-2nd
2006-2nd
2006-3rd
2005-3rd
2005-4th
2004-2nd
2004-2nd

With that out of the way, the following is my initial first round mock draft, assuming a 10 player league. Enjoy:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson
A picture of consistency. I value players based on how consistently they put up the same numbers. A homerun hitter is nice, but I would much rather be able to count on 15 points every week than worry about a goose egg in the lineup. LT is the master, only missing 1 game in his career. He turns 29 today, so next year I will be looking at a younger guy for the 1st overall pick.

2. Adrian Peterson
AP's 2007 numbers are hard to ignore. He had the most explosive rookie season ever. There is a great chance that he will be the #1 RB when this season is said and done. There's an equally great chance that he's injured in week 3. Personally, I'd love to have a guy like this on my team, but I hate having so much risk attached to the #2 pick of the draft. If your league's free agency is shallow, handcuff Chester Taylor in round 6 or 7.

3. Steven Jackson
Jackson had a tough time last year. Orlando Pace and Marc Bulger were both hurt, which is pretty bad, but so many other O-linemen got hurt that I think they were starting my brother at center by the end of the year. Look for Steven Jackson to rebound this year. Losing Isaac Bruce won't affect his production at all.

4. Brian Westbrook
You probably read his name and think "injury-prone". Believe it or not, he's strung together a couple of healthy seasons. Westbrook's all-purpose yardage makes him tremendously valuable. If you're in a league with point-per-reception, he might be unparalleled. Draft him and don't look back.

5. Joseph Addai
Honestly, Addai let me down a little bit last year. I thought he was poised to have a bigger season. His TD's increased, but his numbers were mostly the same otherwise. Perhaps this was partially a result of losing Marvin Harrison. I don't know. I like his odds again this year despite the signing of Dominic Rhodes, who will not be as big a factor as he was during their Super Bowl year.

6. Tom Brady
If you're the guy in this position, don't take Brady. The point discrepancy between QB's in most leagues is not large enough to merit a 1st round selection. You'd rather be the guy with top-notch RB's and WR's and then draft a Palmer, Anderson or Bulger in later rounds. Somebody is going to look at Brady's outrageous numbers from last year and take him high though. Maybe higher than this. Let them do it.

7. Randy Moss
On average, one WR goes in the 1st round of every draft. This year it's Moss. It's hard to argue with the selection, but I'd rather try to wait and take a guy who isn't known to have hamstring problems.

8. Peyton Manning
Peyton is Mr. Consistent at the QB position. See my comments above on QB's, but look for Manning to have another good year. If Marvin Harrison can stay healthy, and out of jail, look for Manning's numbers to increase. It also helps that Anthony Gonzalez has a year under the belt.

9. Larry Johnson
This could go two ways. The Chiefs hope to start 10 of their 12 rookies, including an O-lineman, so that should tell you something about the quality of their team. Johnson could very well have a nice comeback from his piss-poor 2007, but since I don't like the guy I'd rather predict that he somehow loses the job to Jamaal Charles. Regardless, getting a 2007, consensus top 3 pick in the 9 spot is not a bad deal.

10. Marion Barber
I was a little unsure here, but I think Barber gets the nod. The Cowboys are the best they've been in years and Marion the Barbarion is the TD machine in this offense. He probably won't put up considerably more yardage than last year, but his touches and touchdowns should be enough to make him worth drafting 10th.

Something's Fine with the Bump & Grind?

Well it looks like I was right. Authorities had six years to build a case against this guy. Fourteen counts of child porn and not one guilty verdict. How do celebrities pull this off? I mean, things are not looking good when the defendent is saying, "that ain't me" and the recipient of his infamous golden shower is in agreement... but I guess I always thought that this thing took so long to go to court because they were trying to build an iron-clad case against him.

Guess not.

If there's a lesson to be learned here, it's probably that lawyers are worth their salaries. It makes me sick to say that since I feel like our country's costs for everything are inflated by 33-50% to cover litigation costs... but if you've got enough money, lawyers can do anything you want. The mob has got nothing on lawyers. I've made it a life philosophy to surround myself with lawyers. Combine these friendships with the large sum of money I'm entitled to as an American and I'm practically invincible.

Step Into My Square

20

The graphic above is pretty impressive, but you need to add 7 more 5 year olds before you reach the number that I could take on. Make no mistake... I'm not a warrior, I just know how to survive.