The Straight Strike Back

During a time when heterosexuals everywhere feel the most threatened by the gay, we get this good news from some doctor with a very unfortunate name:

The world will not see a global pandemic.

That's the word from Dr. Kevin De Cock, who heads the World Health Organization's AIDS department. At a United Nations AIDS meeting earlier this month in New York, he confirmed that outside of sub-Saharan Africa, AIDS will not become general in Russia, China or anywhere in the global heterosexual population.

Yet the risk does remain high among gay men, IV drug users, prostitutes and heterosexuals in sub-Saharan Africa.

Why there and not elsewhere? It apparently has to do with cultural practices – especially having multiple concurrent sexual partners – and widespread herpes infections, which cause open sores that help transmit HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Clearly, America is in the clear. If there's one thing we stand for in this country, it's the monogamy of heterosexual marriage; not the polygamy of all these homosexual unions. Some might point to the divorce rate in trying to dispute this. I say, however, that it's only a reinforcement. We care so passionately about monogamy that we are willing to go through legal action to avoid having concurrent partners.

Something's Fine with the Bump & Grind?

Well it looks like I was right. Authorities had six years to build a case against this guy. Fourteen counts of child porn and not one guilty verdict. How do celebrities pull this off? I mean, things are not looking good when the defendent is saying, "that ain't me" and the recipient of his infamous golden shower is in agreement... but I guess I always thought that this thing took so long to go to court because they were trying to build an iron-clad case against him.

Guess not.

If there's a lesson to be learned here, it's probably that lawyers are worth their salaries. It makes me sick to say that since I feel like our country's costs for everything are inflated by 33-50% to cover litigation costs... but if you've got enough money, lawyers can do anything you want. The mob has got nothing on lawyers. I've made it a life philosophy to surround myself with lawyers. Combine these friendships with the large sum of money I'm entitled to as an American and I'm practically invincible.

Something's Wrong with the Bump & Grind

R. Kelly's trial began this week... SIX YEARS and three months after the related sex tape was sent to the Chicago Sun-Times. I have no idea what the cops have been doing in that time. Maybe they needed that time to make copies of each of his previous works for everyone in the office to review and compare. After all, R.'s thought to have videos out there with at least two underage girls, Gary Sheffield's gospel-singing wife, one of his dancers and half a Brownie troop from Indiana.

With all the smoke around this guy, you've got to know the fire's out of control. His first accusation was in 1991. Normally I'd say that we need to let the law decide if the guy's guilty, (I still maintain OJ's innocence) but when you've married 2 underaged singers, 3 underaged girls accuse you of rape, you're charged with 7 counts of videotaping sex with a minor, 12 counts of possession of child porn and 21 counts of soliciting a minor for child porn, I think you've exhausted your right to be presumed innocent.

I don't know how he's going to get out of this, but he will. Famous people with active followings never do any real time. His defense is apparently taking the position that his head was "digitally imposed on the body of the man". Look dude, we've all seen the South Park movie. Just sticking a cropped picture of R. Kelly's face on top of some dude's humping body is not going to look very realistic or convincing.

And who drew the picture at the top of this post? I love the way we have generic black man watching a sex tape of himself, but yet he doesn't look anything like the generic black man on the tv screen. Did we pay an artist to sit in the courtroom with his prismacolors all day? That's where I want more of my tax dollars spent.