More on Wangs

I've always thought the road Wang ZhiZhi jersey would be the way to go if I decided to support a particular NBA player. Of course, I would never do this. Those guys get guaranteed contracts and, therefore, don't need my support. I wish I could get an NBA contract. Just one of 'em. For the minimum. Do you know what I could do with $442,114? I could supply a year's worth of water to 442,114 Africans. I could buy 294,743 giant-size slurpees. Hell, you could probably get a low-quality snuff film made for that amount of money. The possibilities are near endless. I'd probably end up blowing it on something worthless though... like paying off debt or 14 masters degrees.

Asians Don't Get It.

I'm not sure the Asian understands America. This country battles an inferiority complex that would stun a mastadon. The goal in each of our lives is two-fold:

1. Keep my head low enough that nobody notices my shortcomings and failures.
2. Always be on the lookout for everyone else's shortcomings and failures, in case they notice mine, so that I can use these as necessary to save face.

Grade school is the worst. I don't know how many insulting nicknames were hurled my way and I have a normal, American name. You know exactly what little Nick Mycock experienced. (Yes, real guy.) But can you imagine going to school for 13 years with a name describing a phallus? How many times do you think this guy's been called "Short", "No" or "Sideways" in his life? I remember going through the phone book in elementary school and relentlessly prank calling Phuc Yu, Hung Nguyen and Hsiu Mei. There's a judge down in New Zealand trying to single-handedly correct this societal injustice, but he's got a hopelessly long way to go. I think he'd have better luck getting up on the back of his couch, jumping off and trying to fly, than curing this epidemic. I guess it's great that these idiots are out there. I need somebody to keep the attention off me.

Karma is ALWAYS Feminine

Dear sir or madam,

I am blown away by the fact that you stole my technical running shirt and skullcap from me this morning. I realize that I didn't do a very good job of hiding it. I carelessly tossed them under my drivers side tire after my 15 mile run. I suppose you absconded with them not too shortly after that, because I walked about 200 yards away on the other side of the bath house to get some water, chat with some folks and stretch a bit. I was probably away from my car for about 20 minutes, leaving you ample time to plot your crime and get away route. And I am quite impressed by the boldness of your actions, as there were people everywhere in that area. I also must applaud your ability to start your criminal activities at 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday. You don't see alot of ambitious, early risers in the petty theft crowd. And the fact that you took my nasty, sweaty shirt and skullcap tells me alot about your present situation in life. Heck, I'd have given them to you if you had really need them. I might even have loaned you a couple bucks if you'd have asked nicely. Despite the fact that my car was locked up, I do appreciate the fact that you didn't do anything to it.

All in all, it was actually a good laugh for me. You obviously needed that shirt and skullcap more than me. I hope they don't chafe you. And for the love of God, DON'T put them in the dryer! Oh, karma will rear her ugly head if you mishandle those garments. At any rate, best of luck with your new clothes, and perhaps the perspiration on them will inspire you to take up running and maybe even join a marathon training program. If you do, can I borrow your skullcap?

Something's Fine with the Bump & Grind?

Well it looks like I was right. Authorities had six years to build a case against this guy. Fourteen counts of child porn and not one guilty verdict. How do celebrities pull this off? I mean, things are not looking good when the defendent is saying, "that ain't me" and the recipient of his infamous golden shower is in agreement... but I guess I always thought that this thing took so long to go to court because they were trying to build an iron-clad case against him.

Guess not.

If there's a lesson to be learned here, it's probably that lawyers are worth their salaries. It makes me sick to say that since I feel like our country's costs for everything are inflated by 33-50% to cover litigation costs... but if you've got enough money, lawyers can do anything you want. The mob has got nothing on lawyers. I've made it a life philosophy to surround myself with lawyers. Combine these friendships with the large sum of money I'm entitled to as an American and I'm practically invincible.

Something's Wrong with the Bump & Grind

R. Kelly's trial began this week... SIX YEARS and three months after the related sex tape was sent to the Chicago Sun-Times. I have no idea what the cops have been doing in that time. Maybe they needed that time to make copies of each of his previous works for everyone in the office to review and compare. After all, R.'s thought to have videos out there with at least two underage girls, Gary Sheffield's gospel-singing wife, one of his dancers and half a Brownie troop from Indiana.

With all the smoke around this guy, you've got to know the fire's out of control. His first accusation was in 1991. Normally I'd say that we need to let the law decide if the guy's guilty, (I still maintain OJ's innocence) but when you've married 2 underaged singers, 3 underaged girls accuse you of rape, you're charged with 7 counts of videotaping sex with a minor, 12 counts of possession of child porn and 21 counts of soliciting a minor for child porn, I think you've exhausted your right to be presumed innocent.

I don't know how he's going to get out of this, but he will. Famous people with active followings never do any real time. His defense is apparently taking the position that his head was "digitally imposed on the body of the man". Look dude, we've all seen the South Park movie. Just sticking a cropped picture of R. Kelly's face on top of some dude's humping body is not going to look very realistic or convincing.

And who drew the picture at the top of this post? I love the way we have generic black man watching a sex tape of himself, but yet he doesn't look anything like the generic black man on the tv screen. Did we pay an artist to sit in the courtroom with his prismacolors all day? That's where I want more of my tax dollars spent.