Who's Patronizing These?

I just saw ad on Youtube for this movie. Didn't we just rush Meet The Spartans through to VHS? There's really a market for 2 spoofs in a summer? I remember going to see Dude, Where's My Car? in the theater, thinking it was terrible and trying to wash it down with a rental of Scary Movie. Who knew that movie would spin off 3 sequels and all these annual dollar-theater-dwellers. I guess there's some kind of market for these things:

7/7/00 - Scary Movie - $157,019,771
10/24/03 - Scary Movie 3 - $110,003,217
4/14/06 - Scary Movie 4 - $90,710,620
7/4/01 - Scary Movie 2 - $71,308,997
2/17/06 - Date Movie - $48,548,426
1/26/07 - Epic Movie - $39,739,367
12/14/01 - Not Another Teen Movie - $38,252,284
1/25/08 - Meet the Spartans - $38,233,676

In researching this post, I discovered another movie coming out in 2008 called Extreme Movie that is going straight to video. I've got to be honest. I never saw any of these other movies because they looked terrible. Absolutely horrible. But much like Family Guy will drive a joke into the ground until it's funny, I'm starting to wonder if I should go watch one of these. The idea that they keep releasing these movies is becoming increasingly funny to me. I think they know the parodies are parodies of themselves now.

Getting into the Homerun Race

Carrot Top is the headlining act at the Luxor hotel in Vegas these days. To be honest, I thought he had died or something. I got a call 7 years ago asking if I wanted to book him for a comedy show but turned it down. Doesn't he just cut carrots in half with a machete? What's so great about that? I could stick my mom up there and she could do it blindfolded. Anyway, it appears that when Carrot realized he wasn't funny anymore, he got involved with Human Growth Hormone and Billy Blanks. When I saw this picture of the guy I laughed, so I guess we can call this one a success. The only thing left yet to do is get this guy registered in some UFC fights. I bet he'd make a killing do something like that.

Retire In Peace, Terry Glenn

So this is how it ends. Terry Glenn has not had a sparkling career by any stretch of the imagination, but I bet he didn't plan on it ending like this. I remember reading about his decision to have surgery on that knee last year. I still don't know what the hell is wrong. From what I understand he had the opportunity to have a quick-fix surgery and be back in time for the Cowboys Super Bowl run (fat chance if you asked me) or he could do it right and get the (I think) microfracture surgery that guys like Greg Oden and Amare Stoudamire underwent. I think the recovery on this is about 16-18 months as opposed to the 6 months of an ACL tear. My buddy had to do the microfracture thing, and that's what he told me, so I'm pretty much an expert.

Anyway, they told Terry that if he did the quick-fix he would not be able to walk without a distinct limp as early as his 50's. I won't say I prayed for him not to do the quick fix - there are bigger things worth praying about - but I was really hoping he'd consider his future quality of life. Well he didn't. That, or he didn't care. Either way he came back and did absolutely nothing for the Cowboys in their playoff loss to the Giants, probably made his knee worse, will still be mostly crippled and nobody will care. That's right, Terry. I guess you haven't heard about the Gridiron Greats. They're lead by Mike Ditka and nobody cares about them either.

Welcome to the real world, Terry. It's cold and it sucks.

Asians Don't Get It.

I'm not sure the Asian understands America. This country battles an inferiority complex that would stun a mastadon. The goal in each of our lives is two-fold:

1. Keep my head low enough that nobody notices my shortcomings and failures.
2. Always be on the lookout for everyone else's shortcomings and failures, in case they notice mine, so that I can use these as necessary to save face.

Grade school is the worst. I don't know how many insulting nicknames were hurled my way and I have a normal, American name. You know exactly what little Nick Mycock experienced. (Yes, real guy.) But can you imagine going to school for 13 years with a name describing a phallus? How many times do you think this guy's been called "Short", "No" or "Sideways" in his life? I remember going through the phone book in elementary school and relentlessly prank calling Phuc Yu, Hung Nguyen and Hsiu Mei. There's a judge down in New Zealand trying to single-handedly correct this societal injustice, but he's got a hopelessly long way to go. I think he'd have better luck getting up on the back of his couch, jumping off and trying to fly, than curing this epidemic. I guess it's great that these idiots are out there. I need somebody to keep the attention off me.